When I was at school there was a prefect system where a group of 20 or so pupils in their last year were appointed to carry out duties and help in the running of the school. It was considered a privilege to be awarded a prefect’s badge. I was delighted when I was chosen to be one of the team of prefects in my final year. Once all the prefects had been chosen, it was up to that group, along with a panel of teachers and the head master, to choose the head boy (the prefect of prefects if you will). I was sure – in fact I knew – that my friend Richard was going to win. Popular, a great sportsman and extremely bright, he was a shoo-in.
Actually I was chosen.
I think that to many, this wasn’t a massive surprise, but to me it was the biggest surprise of my life. But then I had never had a very high opinion of my own abilities and qualities.
Fast forward 17 years and I considered myself to be possibly the second or third best marathoner currently at the Mornington Chasers. There are a number of us delivering good results – John, Tom, the two Ians, Marc and the best runner at the club, Alex – and most of this group were lining up for races in April. I went to Paris and gave it my best shot, finishing ahead of my gold-target time in 2:43:55 and qualifying for the UKA Champs at the same time. I was really pleased with myself.
However two weeks later Alex and Marc lined up for the London marathon and I was sure – in fact I knew – that Alex would run a quicker time (and I thought there was a good chance that Marc would too). I was sure that I would be the third fastest marathoner at the club. The race results came in…
I’m still the fastest.
So a comment that one of the fast runners at the club made last week really made me consider what I have achieved and my plans for the future. I was talking with the chaps on a slow run on Hampstead Heath, about a plan I am formulating to organise for a coach to come and talk to us about our targets and what we would need to do to really fulfill our individual potentials. Some of the chaps are in favour whilst others don’t see the point. And then one of them said that one argument against getting a coach is that a coach cannot give me what I lack – self confidence.
This is not entirely news to me. I have written about this before; the idea that I have no right to be running with the people I run alongside and I have no right to be posting the times I do. To some extent I feel that I’m “not worthy”.
Well, here is a public declaration. Short of qualifying as an elite, I cannot be placed higher in the London marathon qualification categories. I am the only current club member at the Chasers to have cracked the 2:45 barrier and thereby qualify for the UKA Champs. I have attracted the attention of the UK’s best endurance coach (OK I admit I forced him to notice me, but we’re now corresponding by email). I can run the marathon faster.
As Sebastian Coe wrote in his book The Winning Mind “Self-esteem comes from self-belief and striving to become the best we can” and so I am going to work on my self-belief – developing my self-confidence is exactly what I am going to do.
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